Preparing for the unthinkable…
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Something which none of us want to think about is what would happen if we died before our children are able to care for themselves?
But, what if we do…?
This is never the most popular of conversation topics that I bring up with my friends (!) but it is always something that, after the initial reluctance to talk about it, gets people thinking. One of the things my friends often say is “But why do we need a will? We haven’t got anything to leave!”. My response is always the same, that their children are the most precious things they have and so they absolutely do have something to leave! The issue is however that once we have spoken about it nothing happens! I get that it is a really difficult thing to have to think about, but it really is SO important.
My parents always had my aunt and uncle as guardians for me (not any more of course ;-)!) but interestingly they also put the names of advisors in their will to help with things like running the farm. Thankfully none of it was ever needed, but if it had been then they knew that I would be safe, should the unthinkable have happened.
So, as you will have realised by now, my big message in this blog is that there are two main things that all parents and carers should have at the top of their to-do list today…:
1. Make a will. According to the Plan If website, 75% of parents of young children do not have an up to date will http://www.planif.org.uk/1121. This was backed up by our own Instagram poll which found that 70% of our followers (who voted) didn’t have a will. Put simply, a will sets out legally what will happen to everything you own after you die. It can also specify who you would like to care for your children if you die before they are 18. This website is really helpful, setting out exactly what you need to do to make a will - https://www.gov.uk/make-will
2. Appoint guardians – 66% of our Instagram followers who voted in our poll said that they hadn’t appointed guardians for their children. As above, appointing a guardian is something which needs to be set out legally in a will. It’s not the easiest of things to decide on, you can change your choice as time moves on. Once you have decided, don’t forget to keep it updated, for example, it might be a natural choice to appoint grandparents to care for your children. That might be OK when the children (and your parents) are younger, but as time goes on, your parents might not always be physically able to do it and so making sure you have someone who would be there for your children in the same way you would have been is probably a better choice.
It is good to have someone named in your will so that you are certain of who it would be – the last thing you would want is family and friends falling out because they have different views on who it should be.
When deciding on who you would like to be your child’s guardian you should think about someone who would provide them with unconditional love in the same way that you do. When we asked followers on Instagram who had chosen guardians they said that reasons and considerations when chosing the guardians for their children were:
Someone who knows my child well and someone who would put her first
How many children the guardian has
Their relationship with my child
Their financial situation
Their age
Stability
Reliability
A close relative/friend
Someone who lives locally so that children can stay in same area
Someone who knew our children best and had the best bond.
You also want to ensure that there aren’t many changes for your child - staying close to school, friends and activities would be important if this is possible. You also need to think about whether you would be happy with the way they would raise your children; do they have their own children for example and would you be happy if your children were raised in the same way?
Once you have someone in mind you should talk to them to make sure that they are happy before putting their names in your will. It is important that you give them all the information on what their responsibility would be and what you would have in place for your children and them should anything happen (see points below). They need to be fully informed as to what they are offering to do and so encourage them to take some time to think it through before giving you an answer. You should think about what happens if they say that they aren’t able to act as guardians – you should respect their decision and understand that this might be because they don’t feel they can accept this level of responsibility. You will then of course need to think about who else you might ask.
Other things to think about:
What kind of life do you want the children to have? To make sure that your wishes for your children are followed through, it is important to write down (and keep updated) your wishes and choices for your children’s future, for example where you see them going to school, what diet you would like them to follow, what house rules you would have put in place etc.
Finances – would your guardians be financially able to care for your children and if not, have you made a provision for this in your will? Is your life insurance up to date? Have you got a centrally accessible list of bills and regular payments that you make (and does someone know where this is?)?
Contacting people -where do you keep your contact information for friends and family? Is it up to date and somewhere that people would know where to find it?
If you are asked to be a guardian… What do you think about before accepting? – The first thing to consider is your own personal circumstances – do you have your own children or are you yet to start your own family? How would that work should you have to care for someone else’s children? Is your house big enough to be able to house the children or would you need to move (and if so, would you be happy to do that?). You need to think very carefully before saying that you would be happy to accept this responsibility – it is a big decision and not one that can be taken lightly. You mustn’t worry if you don’t want to, it has to be right for both you and the other family.
I have only touched on the things you can do to plan effectively should the worst happen, but the Plan If website has SO much information about this and I would highly recommend that you have a look. They have included things like writing a letter to your children, thinking about your funeral, making sure your digital assets (eg social media, PayPal) are easily accessible and much, much more.
It might be helpful for you to ask yourself these questions before you start making plans (taken from http://www.planif.org.uk):
Who would my children live with if I died?
Would my family have enough to live on? Would they, for example, be able to stay living in the same house, attend the same school, keep life going much the same?
Who would inherit everything I own? Am I really sure about that?
If you can confidently answer all of these questions then you should pat yourself on the back because it sounds like you have some things in place, but if not, then please promise me that, if you only do one thing this week, it will be to Plan If…
You might also be interested in reading our blog: We have to talk about it – ‘death’, ‘die’, ‘dead’, ‘dying’ - it’s part of being human! You can read it here.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more. Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast which includes a number of podcasts on this topic - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.