Tricky friendships…what can I do to help my child?

WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT

Friendships and social interactions are a key part of our children’s lives.  Friendships help our children learn about the way that we interact with peers, social cues and norms (which can be different with peers than with adults), and gaining a sense of belonging away from their family unit.

It is all very normal and natural for friendships to have their highs and lows but this can be extremely hard for a parent to watch if their child is having a difficult time.  We all want our children to be happy and have friends, but this can take time to establish and there can be some very tricky moments.

As your child moves through life the friendships will change, but for your child in the here and now, these friendships are the most important thing and can be all-encompassing.  We are social beings and so being part of social groups (with friends) can be vital to us and the importance of ‘fitting in’ can be all our children want.

The phrase ‘in order to have friends, you must first be one’ is something to talk through with our children.  It is not always that easy and some children can find being a friend tricky, but with time and patience it can come.

Things that you can do to help:

Listen and try not to ‘solve the issue’ for your child straightaway.  Work through it with your child (even if they are very young) to see what they might be able to do to help resolve the issues.

Avoid being overly negative about friendships which you don’t feel are ‘right’ for your child.  Often when we are saying “no” to things it can make your child want to be with that child or group of children all the more.  You can listen and talk through with your child what might be causing the tricky situations and looking at solutions rather than advising things such as ignoring the other child or not playing with them.  Whilst these seem like a solution it can often be one of those much easier said than done.    

Give your child skills in navigating their friendships. This might be giving them phrases that they can say such as “I don’t like it when you do x, it makes me feel sad/angry/annoyed. Please can we play/do this instead?” or “That is not kind, I don’t want to play when you are not being kind.” It is ok to let your child know that setting their own boundaries around what they feel is right or wrong around their friends is good and they can feel empowered to do this.

If your child is at nursery or school then speak with the staff there to highlight what is causing issues to see if they are able to help with strategies whilst your child is in the setting.

Talking to our children from a young age about what makes a ‘good friend’ is important both so that they can look for these qualities when making friends but also so that they know what qualities they need to have in order to be a good friend.  What we each see as qualities can vary, but these are an example of the things you might want to highlight: honesty, trustworthiness, dependability, kindness, friendliness, being forgiving, empathetic etc.

Role model how you interact with your friends so that your child can watch your body language, interactions and learn from these.

Organising playdates so that you are able to see the friends that your child is spending time with can be helpful to see their personalities, the interactions your child has with them and also how they are with your child and the influence they have on them.  Some children can be more dominating in play whereas some children will be very passive so knowing the personalities of friends can help you to support and guide your child with a particular friend.

We can’t stop our children having their feelings hurt or having to deal with tricky times with friends, however we can help to teach them how to respond in these moments and gain life skills. Looking at working on resilience skills but also skills to communicate how they are feeling or what they are experiencing so that adults and peers can help them.

If your child is finding it hard to make friends, then it might be that you give gentle reminders such as encouraging them to always introduce themselves and asking the name of the child they are trying to engage with.  Give them pointers such as talking about what interests they have and asking the new friend what their interests are to find a common ground.

Encourage your child to do groups and classes outside of their nursery or school environment as this can widen their friendship groups and it also means that they are not always having to interact with those in nursery or school.

Read stories with your child about friendships.  This can start from a young age so that it begins to help them understand what friendships are and how they are formed. Here are some suggestions for books which might be helpful: Books about friendships on Amazon.

‘Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime’ - Brian A. "Drew" Chalker

I love this quote - the friendships your child has now might be for this moment or it could be for a lifetime, but it is important to know that this will change and evolve.  Supporting your child through these times can be joyful but they can also be challenging and upsetting but it is about being there in all those moments to support your child in navigating friendships as they grow.

 A note about bullying

There is a line which needs to be drawn when it comes to those tricky friendships being more than that and where it is actually bullying.

What is bullying? 

There is no one definition, however the anti-bullying alliance define it as “Bullying is the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. It can happen face to face or online” (https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/all-about-bullying/understanding-bullying/definition )

If you are worried that you child is being bullied there are several places that you can gain help. First of all though, it is important to speak to the nursery or school that your child attends to make them aware of the situation. 

Other organisations which also have lots of helpful information and support are:

https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/contact.html

https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk

https://respectme.org.uk/bullying/what-is-bullying/

https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/bullying/general-advice/what-is-bullying 

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