When potty training is a power struggle!

Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

Potty training. It’s one of those milestones that we all know is coming, and we hope with all our heart that it will be a smooth, quick process with minimal mess. But… let’s be honest, that’s rarely the reality! Instead, potty training can turn into a battle of wills, with you trying everything to encourage your little one to try and them just digging their heels in!

So, why does this happen? And more importantly, how can you avoid turning toilet training into a daily power struggle?

Why do power struggles happen?
There are a few key reasons why you might find yourself locked in a toileting tug-of-war with your child:

Resistance – Your child might flat-out refuse to use the potty, avoid the bathroom completely, or insist on wearing nappies. Maybe they don’t fully understand the process yet, or perhaps they just don’t want to stop what they’re doing to go. Remember though that if they feel pressured, they’re even more likely to push back.
An inconsistent approach – If the routine keeps changing or different people have different expectations, this can be confusing for your child.
Feeling the pressure – Whether it’s from parents, nursery, or well-meaning relatives, children can sense when they’re expected to perform. And for some, that pressure makes them freeze or push back.
Not ready yet – Some children just need more time. If they’re not quite there developmentally, no amount of encouragement will speed things up.
Fear or worry – The toilet can feel like a big, noisy, and unfamiliar place. Some children are worried about falling in, scared of the flush, or just unsure about what’s expected.
Wanting control – sometimes our children can feel that this is something that they have no control over, when they feel like this they look to gain control over the situation. This can mean that they want things on their terms.
Attention needing – we can sometimes see that when they want to gain our attention (positive or negative) toileting battles can often cause us, as adults, to give great deal of attention in order to get to the bottom (excuse the pun) of why they might be having accidents, refusing or controlling their toileting.

How to make potty training less of a battle
The good news? You can avoid these struggles and make the whole process a lot smoother (and dare I say, even fun?). Here’s how:

Keep it light and fun – If your child sees the potty as just another fun activity, they’re much more likely to engage. Try using books, songs, toilet toys or even a little toilet dance to make it an enjoyable experience.
Be patient and consistent – Progress won’t always be linear, and that’s okay! Stay calm, keep the routine predictable, and don’t let setbacks discourage you (or them).
Check that they’re ready – If your child is resisting a lot, they might not be ready yet. Look for signs like staying dry for longer, showing interest in the toilet, or communicating when they need to go. Check out our other toileting blogs on these topics.
Offer some choices – Children love feeling in control, so let them pick out their own underwear or choose whether they want to use the potty or the big toilet. Giving them some say in the process can work wonders.
Use positive language – Make going to the toilet sound like it’s a great thing! A simple shift in how you talk about it can change their perception - so keep it upbeat and encouraging.
Don’t drag it out – Sitting on the potty for ages, hoping something will happen, can be frustrating for both of you. A quick try and then move on. If nothing happens, it’s no big deal—try again later.
Stop asking every five minutes – Instead of constantly asking, “Do you need a wee?”, try building toilet time into your routine, every 1-2 hours, or 20-30 minutes after meals. This takes the pressure off and makes it feel more natural.
Look at what might be the trigger – sometimes you can see that your little one is happy to toilet for others and no issues but then when it comes to you there are the battles. Ask ‘why’ in these moments. Have there been changes in other areas of your little one’s life? It could be that they don’t feel that they have control over something that is going on for them so they gain the control in toileting. Are they getting lots of attention from the battle situation you are in? If so then this you might want to shift the approach you are taking, focusing on other areas to give attention rather than the toileting.

The bottom line
Potty training doesn’t have to turn into a battle of wills. By keeping things light, respecting your child’s readiness, and making the process as positive as possible, you can avoid the dreaded power struggle. And remember, this is just a phase! It will happen when they’re ready, and before you know it, nappies will be a thing of the past.

If you want more information about potty / toilet training have a look at our other Toilet Training blogs or download our step by step video guide.

We can also help with potty training at one of our parent consultations - click here for more info.

We also have a few podcast episodes on different aspects of Toilet Training - you can listen to them here: From Newborn to Teen and Everything In Between