Is your child’s behaviour during lockdown telling you something?
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Any behaviours that we see in either children or adults are a bi-product of the emotions and feelings that the individual is feeling at this time. As adults we are tend to have greater control over managing our behaviour, however when we are at heightened times of stress or anxiety we often struggle to do this and can to react in different ways, saying things that we don’t mean, getting cross with people or feeling sad or upset when we don’t really know why. I am sure that lots of adults have been feeling a range of emotions over the last few weeks and will continue to over the coming months; this is the same for our children but their triggers might just be different.
If you have noticed that during this lockdown period you are dealing with different behaviours than you have had to before from your children, then you should see this as your children trying to tell you something. This can be behaviour from babies and toddlers before they have the vocabulary to tell us, but it can also be with older children who just can’t quite explain or understand how or what they are feeling, so internalise it but outwardly show a range of behaviours.
Here are some things that your child’s behaviour might be telling you (and why!):
Their routine is out
We have all had a change of routine in the last few weeks and it takes time to adjust and adapt to. We need to look at the world from our child’s perspective, things are different so we might need to adapt and adjust their routine to meet with this change. Start by looking at mealtimes and sleep times along with when you are doing your playtime and learning. For example, is your child getting hungry earlier in the day than they usually do? If so, do you need to bring lunch or dinner earlier by 15mins to help with this, or perhaps introduce snack time mid-morning or mid-afternoon so that they are not getting ‘hangry’!
We are also noticing that lots of families are saying there is a change in their child’s sleep; again this is understandable, because they are spending greater amounts of time at home and so ensuring that they are both physically and mentally stimulated is key to helping with their sleep. Have a look at our Facebook/Instagram accounts (@bespokefamily) for a range of activities which you can do at home with minimal preparation.
Look at this from an adult’s perspective – our routines have changed as many of us are working from home. That can mean that we are hungrier at different times, we have had to change the way that we work so that we have variety and change of scene and our sleep might also be affected so we need to introduce daily exercise, fresh air or relaxation techniques to help with this. It is absolutely the same for our children, they do adapt but they need time, support and understanding to do this.
Our expectations are too high
For our children, being at home with us full time can be very different for them, especially for those who are used to going to nursery, school, grandparents, childminders or for those who have had a nanny. Even if our children are used to being at home, they will be experiencing a change and this can be in relation to the expectations we have on their behaviour.
When we as adults are around each other every day with a limited change of scene this can lead to us being much more heightened to our children’s behaviours. For example, you might need to be working from home and your children as well as your work colleagues and customers are needing your attention, which can be extremely challenging to manage. Firstly, your children are not going to necessarily understand this, as far as they are concerned you are at home and there for them, and so the concept of you needing to work can be tricky especially with little ones. If you are finding working from home with your children difficult, I would recommend that you try to have a conversation with your employer to see if you are able to adapt your hours so that you can balance the day to allow for short chunks of time where you give the children an activity while you work, but then have time where you can give them your undivided attention, before then going back to do more work. Preparing activities for your child to do the night before will mean that you aren’t having to think on your feet to find things to do when you are feeling at your most stressed - your children will pick up on this and behaviour can escalate.
Manage the expectations that you have, for example, there will be times when the house looks a mess or the noise level has gone up, but this is going to happen so take time to look at the expectations that you have – let some of them go and have others that are ones that you stick to. Again this will help you to feel that you have greater control, but will also stop you from having unrealistic expectations of your children.
Look at this from an adult’s perspective: if you think about when you start a new job or you get a new boss, the expectations of you change and it can take some time for you to adjust and adapt to the new way of working. You might have to ask more questions as you are unsure about what you can or can’t do, sometimes you can’t think what to do as all the change has unsettled you, so you procrastinate. All of these things are potentially how our children are feeling in this new situation and they are just trying to work out this new world, meaning that there will be good and bad days!
They are confused
We have talked about expectations and routine, but there could just be simple confusion on your child’s behalf. Their world has massively changed, they have gone from trips to the playground, seeing other children, family and friends, classes and groups to all of a sudden spending all their time at home with just family.
We need to make sure that we are explaining to them (in an age appropriate way) what is happening at the moment and why. We can often shelter our children from what is happening as we don’t want to worry them, but children are very intuitive so pick up on what is going on around them. If we don’t explain what is happening and why, they can often make things up in their own minds to try and make sense of what they are experiencing. There are a great deal of resources out there for explaining our current situation to a range of ages, don’t be afraid to use them to help you talk to your children as they will be looking to you for the explanations and reassurance. If they don’t get or feel this from you then you may see changes in their behaviour whilst they try to process things.
Look at this from an adult’s perspective: many of us are relying on the news to keep us informed about our current situation as it is confusing and we need to get the information so that we are better informed. When we have more information we often feel that we are able to better manage the situation. If we didn’t have this information being given to us it is likely that we would be feeling confused and our behaviours would be different due to possibly feeling more anxious, overwhelmed etc.
They are feeling frustrated / bored / tired / hungry/ excited/ overwhelmed..the list goes on
You may have noticed that your child is displaying more physical behaviours than you have seen before. These can be things such as throwing, biting, kicking, hitting or pushing. It is important to note and appreciate that these are all behaviours that are coming from emotions your child is experiencing and they need to be approached with this in mind. We need to identify what the trigger is for this behaviour rather than just trying to ‘sort the behaviour’.
However, to be clear, physical behaviours such as throwing, kicking, biting and hitting are not acceptable and this needs to be made clear when you are supporting your child. The first thing I would say to do is to go back to my first point on routine. Is your child having regular mealtimes and are they sleeping well? The link between these two things and physical behaviours can be significant; if you have a hungry or tired child, they are going to struggle to manage their emotions and behaviours.
If your routine seems right in these areas you can then look at whether they are getting enough physical and mental stimulation for their stage of development. Often a bored child can be one who looks for other things to stimulate them and this can sometimes lead to frustration, which can be shown in behaviours such as throwing and kicking etc.
It is also worth looking at schemas depending on your child’s age, as throwing and kicking can be a stage of development which they need to be able to experience, but this needs to be through planned activities and giving them the opportunity to kick and throw in a safe, controlled play-based way so that their frustration does not build up.
Demonstration of physical behaviours often come from feeling frustrated, angry, sad etc and these types of behaviour are most commonly seen in the toddler stage when they don’t have the words or vocabulary in order to explain what they are feeling or what they want to do. In these situations, it is our job to help them with these skills, so an example might be “I can see that you are getting really cross because you don’t want to go into the house. I can see that you are having a lovely time playing but it is getting dark now and we have to go in. It is not ok to hit Mummy so why don’t we have a cuddle/read a book/find your favourite toy instead?” You are acknowledging the emotion they are feeling, looking at what the issue might be, putting the boundaries in that it is not ok to hit, and then giving them a strategy for moving on.
There are also times where these behaviours can be shown when your child is excited or happy. They can bite or hit as they just get a wave of intense emotion and don’t have other ways to show this, so they go back to their primal instincts which can sometimes be the bite or hit response and a physical release of emotion. This why it is important to look at what the triggers might be and the emotion that they might be feeling so that you can respond appropriately and with empathy
Look at this from an adult’s perspective: hopefully by the time that we have reached adulthood we have a ‘toolbox’ of strategies which can be used when we are feeling frustrated, angry, upset, excited etc. However, there are times when the emotion is so overwhelming and intense that adults can lose their control too. We need to make sure that we are giving our children this ‘toolbox’ right from when they are little so that they have a greater control and understanding when they are older.
They want more autonomy and choice
Children like to feel that they have some control, from choosing what they wear, to what they eat, to who they want to play with. With everyone being stuck at home a lot of choice can be taken away which can lead to changes in behaviour. Allowing for choice in your child’s day is vital for them to feel that they have some control and this can be as simple as offering them a choice of what they have for snack - keep this to 2 options for younger children (otherwise it is overwhelming) to choosing which pyjamas they are going to wear for bed that night. By giving children choice we are showing them that they are respected and valued which in turn helps them to demonstrate positive behaviours.
Look at this from an adult’s perspective: imagine that you are in a work meeting and you are being told that you have to do XYZ and you have no opportunity to give your opinion or have a choice, how do you feel? Very often the overwhelming feeling is resentment, you don’t really want to do it and so you are likely to have a more negative attitude before you even start! Now change it to being in a meeting where you are asked for your opinion and then 2 options for ways to go forward are given to you to choose from. How do you feel now? Hopefully you will feel empowered to want to do it, you are ‘bought in’ and feel valued as you have given your opinion. This is exactly the same for our children but it can be with things as simple as choosing which cup and plate they have for lunch to whether they have an apple or banana for snack.
Emotions are natural, they are not negative or positive they are emotions! We need to feel all emotions in order to understand how they feel and how to manage them in different situations. In this current lockdown, we are all feeling a huge range of emotions, we are having some good days and some bad days, and our children are no different. By viewing the world from our child’s perspective, it helps us to understand that the behaviours we are seeing and experiencing are an expression of how they are feeling at that moment in time.
Check out ‘Your guide to Behaviour and Emotions’ for guidance and strategies on how to support children with their behaviour and emotions - for more information click here!
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.