Help! How do I stop my children bickering?!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
What is bickering… and why do children do it?
At its core, bickering is when children argue over seemingly minor things – who gets the blue cup, whose turn it is to feed the dog, or whether someone “looked at me in a funny way!” It might feel endless at times, but in many cases, it’s part of normal development.
Here’s why bickering might be happening in your home:
Learning social skills – Believe it or not, bickering can actually be a form of practice. Children are learning how to communicate, negotiate, assert themselves, and navigate relationships. It’s all part of their learning curve.
Asserting independence – As children grow, they start to explore who they are and what they have control over. Sometimes that means testing boundaries (and each other!).
Big emotions in little bodies – Children don’t always have the words to express how they’re feeling, so frustration or sadness can bubble up in the form of snappy remarks or picking fights.
Seeking attention – Even negative attention can be attention. If a child feels overlooked, bickering might be their way of making sure their voice is heard.
Struggling with communication – If children don’t yet have the skills to explain their feelings or needs, squabbling with whoever is nearest can become their go-to.
Lack of personal space – Being around siblings 24/7 can be intense. Everyone needs some time and space to themselves now and then.
Perception of unfairness – Children can be very tuned in to what feels ‘fair’, and misunderstandings (especially around jokes or teasing) can easily turn into arguments.
Temperament differences – Some children are naturally more easy-going, while others are more sensitive or assertive. These differences can lead to clashes. Helping children understand each other’s needs (e.g. “He needs quiet time after school” or “She loves being active”) can help to support more harmonious play.
So… how can you help reduce the bickering?
Bickering won’t disappear overnight, but with some small changes you can make a difference. Here are some tips to help guide your children to handle disagreements in healthier ways.
Take a step back – As hard as it can be, try not to jump in straight away. Giving your children the chance to sort things out themselves helps them to develop problem-solving skills and confidence.
Model peaceful conflict resolution – Our children are always watching. Show them how to listen, stay calm, and work through problems respectfully. Think aloud when resolving your own disagreements so they can learn from you.
Help your children name their feelings. You might say, “It looks like you're frustrated that your brother didn’t wait for you.” Using ‘feeling’ words gives them the language to express themselves more clearly, which reduces the need to argue.
Offer space and downtime – Individual time away from siblings can do wonders, especially if tensions have been running high. A little breathing room can go a long way.
Create clear family expectations – Let children know what behaviours are acceptable and which aren’t. Keep it simple and consistent. For example, “We don’t shout at each other. If you need space, you can take a break.”
Celebrate the positives – Notice when your children play well together or solve problems calmly. A little praise goes a long way and reinforces the behaviour you’d like to see more of.
Look for patterns – Is the bickering happening at certain times of day? Around transitions, when they're tired, or when routines change? Spotting the triggers can help you get ahead of them.
Manage transitions gently – Big feelings often come out when children have to stop one thing and start another. Use timers, visual prompts or gentle countdowns to help reduce stress and prevent friction.
Stay curious – Instead of reacting with frustration, try to get to the bottom of what’s going on. A calm “I wonder if you’re feeling left out at the moment?” help your little one to know you are noticing and acknowledging how they might be feeling or what they are experiencing.
Work out solutions together – When children come to you in the middle of an argument, rather than fixing it for them, try asking: “What could you say to them next time?” or “Is there a way you can work it out together?”
Strengthen sibling connection – Children who feel emotionally close are more likely to show patience and empathy toward each other. Try creating a simple sibling ritual – like a weekly board game or a "team mission" to build something together.
Involve them in solutions – Children often respond well when they feel involved. Ask them what they think would help next time. You might be surprised by their ideas!
Reflect on your own responses – Children learn how to handle conflict by watching us. If they often see shouting or sarcasm, they may mirror that. Modelling calm, respectful communication sets a powerful example.
Bickering is exhausting (for everyone!), but it’s also part of growing up. Each squabble is a chance to help your child build empathy, learn boundaries, and practise communication – all essential life skills.
You aren’t doing anything wrong, and your children aren’t broken – they’re just learning, one disagreement at a time. Remember: even the most loving siblings (and parents!) have their moments. You are doing a great job, even on the noisy days!
If you’d like to talk more about the dynamics in your family or how to support your children’s relationships, we’re here to help.
Check out ‘Your guide to Behaviour and Emotions’ for guidance and strategies on how to support children with their behaviour and emotions - for more information click here !
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