We have to talk about it – ‘death’, ‘die’, ‘dead’, ‘dying’ - it’s part of being human!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Even the title of this blog might make you feel uncomfortable – many of us find it difficult to talk about death at all, let alone with our children! We often feel that death is something we need to protect our children from, something that they don’t need to know about until they are much older. While these feelings are well intentioned, they can often come from our own inability to face and cope with the reality of death and it can often make things very difficult for children. We have to face the facts. We are all born and we will all die (two of the things in life that are certain!). We happily talk about babies being born and there is the comical way we talk with children about the birds and the bees! But when it comes to death most of us struggle.
Death is a very powerful experience for all of us and children are no exception - they are very attuned to the environment around them. When bereavement is experienced of a pet, relative or friend, they will sense that there is a change. We need to make sure that they are not sheltered from this. Children have vivid imaginations and will often feel a sense of unfairness in relation to a bereavement - if you are not answering their questions, their imaginations, coupled with feeling of ‘why me?’, will do the work instead - this can lead to some very worrying and distressing thoughts and ideas.
According to Julia Samuel in her book ‘Grief Works’ a child needs to be about 8 years old to fully understand the concept of death and its finality. That said, while they may understand that death is permanent and irreversible, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will understand the enormity of their loss, which is why it is so important to prepare them and give them the support they need to help them cope.
Talking about death is as important as, for example, teaching children how to share with friends, how to put on their shoes, how to behave towards others. Our children need to grow up being able to understand what bereavement is, how they might manage it and how they might be able to support others who are going through grief in sensitive and empathetic ways.
The general world around us
You are driving along a lane, or out for a walk in the countryside and come across a dead animal, how do you react? Do you explain to your child/ren what has happened and let them look at the animal and ask questions if they have them? Or do you walk/drive by and hope that they haven’t seen it? Think about the issues you are avoiding. This is an excellent learning opportunity and very often without any emotion on your behalf. Don’t wait for the day when you have to explain death to your child/ren because someone close to you has died as this will be an extremely difficult time for you. The child/ren will have lots of questions, they will want to know why we die, where we go when we die, etc and you want to be able to answer those questions as factually and as honestly as you can. When you come across animals or even flowers that have died, this can be a great introduction to death for your child/ren and will help you to start using terms in relation to death such as died, dead etc. It will also give you the opportunity to explain the life cycle - why things die and what happens then.
Pets
This may well be the first experience of death that our children have, whether this is a goldfish or family dog (in my case it was a pet cow!). This is a time when emotions come into play and the feeling of loss is felt by the child/ren. Understanding what this feeling is and how it makes us react is where we need to need to focus and empathise. Remember that grief is individual, it is not time bound and it does not matter less when it comes to pets. A child can feel the loss of a pet like we feel the loss of a close relative. Your child/ren might want to ask questions, they might want to see the dead body (depending on the circumstances of death) and this is all to help them make sense of things. This might sound morbid and you might ask why they would want to do this, but it is by seeing and experiencing that their understanding is gained. It gives the child/ren the opportunity to say goodbye and to recognise the finality of death. Avoid all associations with ‘going to sleep’ or ‘gone to sleep’ as this is not the case. When someone or something has died then it is not asleep it is dead. By talking about sleep it can be confusing and upsetting for young children as they might think that the animal or person will wake up or worry that they themselves will go to sleep and not wake up!
Family members or friends
This is when most of us find it the most difficult and possibly feel the need to shelter children from the hurt, upset and loss that we are experiencing, yet this is the time when we need to be the most open and honest with our children. They need to build the knowledge and understanding of what death is - what it feels like to those people close to the person who has died and how they might need to respond. As previously mentioned, children are attuned to their environment and the adults around them; if you remove them from the situation, send them off to visit friends or speak in hushed tones so that they can’t hear what you are talking about, this will only lead to them feeling excluded and worried about what is happening. We need to guide them through the process of what happens when someone who is close to us dies, how it makes us feel and, most importantly, that it is ok to show emotion.
Funerals
This is a very common area where people are unsure if children should be involved or not. Funerals are an opportunity to say goodbye, to remember the person or animal that you are grieving for. When a pet dies then it can be an opportunity to introduce your child to the concept of what a funeral is, what happens and how it can help us. When it comes to a funeral of a loved one, depending on the age of your child/ren, it is important that you ask them what they would like to do. If they have all the information about what they might see and what will happen, then they can make a decision for themselves. Often we take this opportunity away from them, perhaps because we are struggling with our own emotions and don’t feel able to openly grieve in front of the children, and so again can make them feel excluded and without the opportunity to say goodbye. Respecting your child/ren’s decision to attend or not is vital, if they choose not to attend, then introduce another way for them to say goodbye to the person such as writing a note or drawing a picture which can be put in the coffin, or having your own ceremony where you plant something in their memory.
5 tips for talking to your children about death:
Be open and honest (with yourself and with the children), they will thank you for it! Children don’t like to think that they don’t know things and so (age appropriate) explanation is essential. Don’t let them use their imaginations for things that they have no knowledge of as this will only make it worse. Children are much better at coping with honesty and truth than not being told anything at all.
Use terminology which is clear. Use factual words such as death, died, dying etc which don’t have other meanings such as passed away, gone to a better place etc. This stops confusion and provides clarity to the child on the finality of death.
Use resources to support what you are explaining. There are a great array of books and other resources, which talk about death, dying and grief, aimed at all differing ages. This will help to guide you through the conversations (see below for some suggestions).
Talk about ways to help the children remember the person or pet that has died. For example you could make a memory box together of things which remind your child/ren of the person or pet that has died, which they can go to as and when they need to feel close to them. Or perhaps a memory jar or scrap book that they can use to put pictures or notes about the person or pet into.
Let children see your emotion so that they learn that it is ok to be sad or upset. If they only see you ‘putting on a brave face’ you are teaching them that they have to do the same. Showing emotion should not be seen as a negative thing; how will our children grow up to be emotionally literate if they never see what are deemed to be negative feelings? If children feel the need to cry or express their anger, they need to know that this is OK and that you will support them through the experience.
Some suggestions for books on this subject and some for sharing with children:
Our Amazon list - https://amzn.eu/1OOHLY1
https://www.winstonswish.org/supporting-you/publications-resources/
A brilliant podcast I listened to recently:
The Parenthood– ‘Talking to children about death and grief with Julia Samuel’ 23.11.2018
We also have our own podcast episode on this topic where we spoke to a Bereavement Support Practitioner at Winston’s Wish. Listen here - Supporting children with bereavement
Other useful sources of information and support:
Winston’s Wish free helpline 08088 020 021
While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.
This blog contains affiliate links.