Why doesn’t my child show much affection?
By Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
It is important to start with looking at what you, as an individual, see as ‘showing affection’ as this can be very different for each of us. As human beings we all feel and show affection in different ways, while one person might be very tactile and love cuddles, another might avoid this where possible as it makes them uncomfortable.
Just like adults, not all children are affectionate (when I say affectionate, I mean cuddly as this is what most people see as a sign of affection from children). When a child is not showing affection (in the way we expect as an adult) it can be due to their personality but also where they are in their developmental stage.
Some children don’t need and don’t give lots of cuddles, and we need to be ok with this. It can often help to reflect on why we need this and if it is more about our need for affection to be shown in a certain way – you might like to have cuddles to show you that someone loves or cares for you – but this might not work for your child. This is no way means that your little one doesn’t love or care for you, it is just that they will show their affection for you in different ways such as:
Inviting you into their play.
Smiles, chatting/babbling, eye contact and giggles.
Sharing things with you such as toys, food etc.
Asking you to watch them do things such as climbing at the park or how they play with a certain toy.
Wanting you to be close when they are playing.
Independence
We can often see the resistance for affection come when our children develop a new sense of independence. This might come from when they are able to move around - crawling, walking etc as they want to be off exploring and have a new sense of independence. They don’t want to feel restricted or held in one place when they can be off looking and investigating things! This is a completely natural and normal stage of development and if and when they need to have those cuddles and reassurance, they will come back to you.
What can you do to help?
Eye contact. When talking, singing, playing with your little one try to hold eye contact with them - this is a very powerful way of showing our interest, respect and love for our children. Very often when we make eye contact with our children, they will role model it back to us and this can really help with connection.
Don’t take it personally. when our little ones refuse or resist our attempts to show affection, we can see it as rejection or something personal. It is not the case; try to see it as something positive, that your little one is confident and happy to explore the world knowing that you are there if they need you.
Pick your timings Look when you are expecting the signs of affection and if these times are right for your child. If they are tired, hungry or in the middle of playing they are not going to be as accepting as when it is the right time for them. It might be that this is first thing in the morning or maybe last thing at night (or it can be when you least expect it!).
Never bribe for affection. We can sometimes be drawn to say things such as ‘if you give me a cuddle you can have x’. This can be an effective way of getting what we want, but this is not necessarily what the child wants. It can create a resistance and unhealthy association towards showing affection to others.
If your little one wiggles to get out of a cuddle, then let them go. This can help your little one feel more comfortable with hugs if they know that they are not forced to remain in the cuddle for longer than they want. It is important to let other family members and friends know this too. We do have a blog all about should you make your child hug people which you can read here.
Look at other ways that you can show affection, such as having 1:1 time which is directed by your little one and focused on what they want/like to do, lots of smiles, praise and acknowledgment, fun things such as playing at the playground together or doing things such as cooking together. Put things into your day such as ‘3 good’ things or ‘best part of the day’ so that you can share these moments with your little one - this can also be an opportunity to share affection through saying what you enjoyed in the day.
Avoid saying things such as asking for a cuddle and if your little one refuses saying things such as “don’t you love me?”, “I am feeling really sad as I really wanted a cuddle”. This can make a child feel like they are doing something wrong, or they have a sense of guilt for not doing what you want them to do.
A great book is the 5 love languages of children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. This book explores how we all have different love languages (how we feel and show affection) and what we look for. This book looks at what our child might look for and how we meet these needs in order to show our affection to them.
As I have mentioned, some resistance to things such as cuddles, or kisses is normal but if you feel that your child doesn’t like to be touched or seems to be physically and emotionally distant then it may help to speak with your GP or Health Visitor so that you can look at this in more detail.
As human beings we are looking for connection with others, but this is different for us all and our children are no different. Physical signs of affection such as hugs and kisses are not for all, but this certainly doesn’t mean that your little one doesn’t love you or want to show affection, it might just be in a different way! You just need to find what works for your little one!
While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
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