Why won’t my child share?
WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT
Your turn!
Sharing is often something that we want our children to be able to do from a young age. It is of course much more socially acceptable for a child to share things with other children, than to snatch or refuse to let them near their possessions. Getting a child to understand that they need to share can sometimes feel like a long and difficult process. It can cause frustration for a child who has these expectations on them when they might not fully understand, and also for us as adults who want so much for our children to share!
Sharing is something that takes practice and time to master, it’s not something we are born to do and isn’t in our nature! In fact, when we are asking children to share we are going against everything they naturally feel and want to do.
Children under 5 have very strong impulses and view the world from their own perspective. They are learning how to have empathy (seeing and understanding the world from another person’s perspective) but this can take years.
Add these impulses together with children’s limited ability to demonstrate empathy, and this is why mastering the concept of sharing can be tricky for some.
Playing together!
The ability to share really only starts to fully develop around the age of 3. Before this our toddlers will not always be developmentally ready to learn this skill, but this doesn’t mean that you can’t encourage it (I have made some suggestions below as to how you can do this). Our expectations need to be realistic and it might not happen until a child is 3.5 to 4 years old.
The skill of sharing also helps to teach children about compromise and fairness. They learn how to take turns, negotiate and how to cope with disappointment. These are all life skills, but learning them doesn’t happen overnight - it takes time and practice.
I know that I might sound like a broken record on this point (I mention it in most of my blogs!) but it is vital that we see things from the child’s perspective when supporting them with behaviour and development. I find a really good way to do this is to take the situation that your child might be in at the time and relate it to a situation you as an adult can relate to being in.
So, let’s take a situation where you might be expecting your child to share and you can’t understand why they are so protective or possessive over a certain toy or activity.
I want you to imagine that you are at home and a friend comes over to see you. You mention that you have a new piece of clothing or a new gadget for the house (you have saved up for this and it’s your pride and joy), you proudly show this to your friend. Your friend then asks if they can have a closer look, actually they want to try it on or give it a go!
Now if you really trust this friend and, with your adult logic, you know it will be ok, but are you completely relaxed and ok with them doing this or are you actually watching their every move and just waiting for them to give it back?! I would guess that in the back of your mind you are thinking that even though you really trust them, you just want them to give it back so you know that it won’t get damaged etc. However, if this was someone that you didn’t really trust or know that well you would be even more worried that they might break or ruin it. So would you make lots of excuses so that they didn’t touch it etc? The answer is very likely to be yes!
We all have possessions which are important and of value to us and this is absolutely no different for our children – their toys and belongings are as important to them as our possessions are to us.
As adults we have more rational and logical brains (most of the time!) so we can rationalise these things and be more relaxed, but children are in the moment and feel their emotions in full force. So, if they are feeling anxious, frustrated or even jealous, they are going to struggle to understand the concept of sharing! As I have said it will take time and practice!
Having fun together!
What can we do to encourage our children to share?
Children learn from us, we are their role models. If they can see us demonstrating sharing and turn-taking (either directly with your child, or with other adults) they will then try to copy or replicate this.
We often use the terms ‘sharing’ or ‘taking turns’ assuming that our children understand what this means. They might know the words as they have heard adults use them, but do they truly understand what they mean in relation to their actions and behaviour? Putting these words into context will help, for example “when you share your snack with your sister that is really good sharing. Sharing is when you give something you have to someone else or when they give something to you”.
Recognising when your child has shared something helps to develop this skill. It can even be as simple as when they give you something from their plate at lunchtime or hand you a toy to play with. Be clear with your praise, for example: “thank you so much for sharing your lunch with me, that’s kind of you” or “wow I love this toy, thank you for sharing it with me” or “That was such great sharing that you did with X when you gave him the train for the train track. Well done”.
Play games that require turn taking such as puzzles, card or board games. This helps with patience but also the ability to understand that taking turns and sharing between people is something that has to be done in order for the games to work.
If your child is finding learning how to share with other children tricky, then don’t put off playdates but look to make them more successful by being near your child so that you can listen in to the play. When you can see that things are escalating you can step in and help give them the strategies to resolve the situation. We can often be tempted to take the toy, which both children are arguing over, away as we feel that this will stop the arguments, which in some cases it can do. However, by doing this we are not helping our children to have the skills or strategies to manage this the next time it happens. Instead, calmly step in, explaining what you can see is happening “Ok I can see that you both want to play with the dinosaur, and you are finding it tricky to share. There is only one dinosaur like this - what can we do so that you don’t both get upset or cross?” Give your child and their friend the opportunity to suggest a solution and if they are not able to then say “I have an idea, we have another dinosaur which one of you can have and when you have finished* playing with your dinosaur we can swap them over – how does that sound?”. By having this approach from a young age with your child, they will start to understand how to negotiate and find ways around these situations so that they need less and less input.
*You will notice here that I haven’t put in time limits on the length of time that the child gets to play with the dinosaur. This is because when we put a time limit on play and sharing it can mean that the child can’t fully enjoy the toy because they are thinking about when they have to hand it over to the other child. By allowing the child to play with a particular toy or having a long turn before having to give it up can help them to relax around the concept of sharing and not worrying about being forced to give something up before they are ready. You just need to be there after maybe 10 mins to ask how things are going. If you can see that they might need a little reminder that things need to be fair and that this comes with sharing, then gently explain this to them - encouraging them rather than forcing it. You might want to look at bringing in a timer at this stage to give a visual representation of the time they have to play before they swap.
Create an environment where your child feels safe. When a child senses that they might have a toy taken away from them or that another child might snatch something, they are already in their defence mode, so can react by pushing, hitting, shouting etc - natural responses when we feel under attack. If this goes to happen, step in and calmly say, “no hitting/shouting/biting, I know you are cross because you want the toy but you can’t hit etc.”. You then work with them on other strategies as to how they might handle the situation as opposed to physical actions. We want to make sure that our children know we understand how difficult it might be for them to share, so using emotional language with them will help to reduce this upset. Saying things such as “I know that you really want to play with that toy, it can be really hard to wait for your turn, it can make you feel sad but your turn will come.”
Have toys which are specifically for them to play with, these can be put in a basket or box, out of the way when they have friends to play so that they feel that they have some control over them. They need to also learn that they have to share things with others if they want other children to share with them. Prior to a playdate try to have a conversation with your child about what might happen on the playdate – whether this is in your home or another child’s. Explain that the other children might want to play with something of theirs, or your child might want to play with something and the child you are visiting doesn’t want to share. Speak to them about how they might handle this situation, so perhaps have a timer to make sure the turns are equal or encourage them to think of another toy which they would like to play with in the meantime.
Encourage rather than force. We need to encourage and support our children in the act of sharing and avoid forcing them to do this. By forcing our children to share we can often find that the child feels resentful, rather than generous or kind and this can then lead to them, unsurprisingly, reluctant to share next time.
Very often we can see sharing as something that is easy to for children to do, but for our children it can be quite a challenge and they need us to empathise and support them through this.
As I hear from lots of little ones, remember, “sharing is caring” but we need to help them learn what this really means in practice.
Check out ‘Your guide to Behaviour and Emotions’ for guidance and strategies on how to support children with their behaviour and emotions - for more information click here !
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