How can we help our babies and children adjust as we come out of lockdown?
WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT
It has been a long 12 months, but we are just starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel (keeping everything crossed) and the thought of being able to do things and see people again is a really exciting one. However, for our babies and children (and even some adults) this new phase is something that we need to adjust to, and this might not just be a case of ‘getting back to normal…’ in some cases we will need a plan to gradually re-introduce other people back into our lives.
I have separated this blog into 3 different age groups – babies, younger children and older children.
For our babies…
There were so many babies born during lockdown who have only ever really known an environment at home with their key adults. This is something that we know lots of parents are worried about as to how your baby will cope seeing other babies, children or adults – even close family.
We already have a blog which talks about worries for babies born in lockdown which you might find helpful (here) but here are some more specific tips about re-introducing babies to a different kind of normal.
In terms of baby groups:
Try 1 or 2 classes or groups per week to start with. Plan these at times which work around naps and mealtimes - you don’t want your baby to be hungry or tired as it can affect their experience.
Look at the class sizes (although these will be restricted for now) as it might help if they are smaller to start with so that it is not too busy or overwhelming.
Try not to have too high expectations, for example, if you are at a music class, your baby might not want to hold a musical instrument or to sit away from you in a circle - they might want to sit on your lap or cuddle in (watching the group with a side eye) and this is all ok.
Classes/groups generally last between 30-60 mins at a time – just be aware that this length of time might be a little too much for your baby and they might not be able to do the full class to start with. Try not to be to be disheartened or worried about this; even when we are not coming out of a lockdown I always say to parents not to worry if they need to leave a group after 15-20 mins when they first join as it can be a lot for a baby to take in and you want them to have a positive experience. You can gradually build up the time as the weeks progress.
Try to introduce your baby to experiences before doing them in a group. For example, if you would like to join a music group, look at introducing musical instruments at home first so that your little one can get used to the musical sounds – this will help them to feel much more comfortable the first time they go. It can also be helpful to go to environments which have more children and people around, somewhere like a park where you can just sit and let your baby watch the children playing and listen to all the noises that go with this.
Think about meeting up with people outside on a 1:1 basis to start with. We might be able to meet with up to 6 people at the moment, but remember that this can be a lot of people all at once if this is something that your baby is not used to. When introducing your baby to new people, explain to those you are meeting with that your baby might not want to come for a cuddle straightaway or they might be shy. Explain that this is a lot for them to take in so you are doing it gently to make sure that they have a positive experience. Consider having 2-3 people who you introduce your baby to first and then, as your baby is ready, they can be the people who have the first cuddles, who are the ones who come into the house at the start etc. so that your baby can build their relationships with these people and not feel overwhelmed or confused by lots of different people.
Put a couple of muslins or soft toys in bed with you or down your top for a couple of days so that they have your smell. When you have done this you can give your baby the muslin or soft toy* when they are having a cuddle with someone new so they have the smell of you for reassurance. * Always supervise babies and muslins/soft toys etc must not be used when the baby is sleeping.
Try to stick to your routine as much as you can as this will help your little one to feel more secure when other things might be changing. It can be tempting to skip naps etc. but this can be unsettling for your baby and lead to them not being as emotionally able to cope with change.
When travelling to see people, try to keep familiarity. When restrictions lift further and we are able to travel to see people or even stay away from home, keeping things as familiar as possible for your little one will help with this change. If you are travelling, try to do this around nap times if you can and make sure that you plan in regular breaks. If your little one has only slept in their cot up until now, then have a couple of practice runs in a travel cot so that they are familiar with this at home before using it when you are away. Take sheets that you have had on their cot at home and use these in the travel cot so that they have the smell of home. If you use things such as white noise or blackout blinds then look at what you will be able to take with you or what you can use to create these same conditions when you are away.
For our younger children…
Twelve months is a long time in a child’s life and a lot of development will have taken place during these months. You might have had an 18-month-old at the start of lockdown and now you have a 2.5-year-old; their needs, likes and interests etc will have changed and developed. Because of this we need to take into account that they are having to learn some of the skills they might have not been able to practice in the last year and this can take time.
You may notice that your child is unsure of how to share, take turns or play alongside/with other children (have a look at our sharing blog here). We are all excited to meet up with others and we really want these opportunities for our children too, but we do need to remember that being around other children might feel quite overwhelming (noise, being close to each etc) and they may shy away, be a little more emotional than you would have expected or they might be ‘all over’ the other children (which they might not be happy with) because they need the time and opportunity to learn about social interactions.
Things which might help…
Try not to hype them up too much before doing something new. We can have a tendency to get over excited about what we are going to do or who we are going to see, and this level of excitement can mean that your child joins you in this excitement (not always knowing how to manage this) and then by the time they get to the activity or to meet that person, they are overcome by the emotion and don’t know how to manage it. It is important to talk to our children about what we are going to do and who we are going to see, but in a calm and relaxed manner. The more explanation you can provide the better – this will help your child to feel in control and able to predict what is happening.
Don’t overload their day or week with activities from the get-go. This could be too much for them, so start gently and work up. Perhaps introduce 1 or 2 classes per week with a simple plan for each day so that you are keeping a balance and also giving your child time and space just to adjust to these experiences.
Have time at home where they can just relax and process their new experiences. You might find that your child gets over excited about the whole experience, but this can also lead to them finding it difficult to wind down.
Playdates and meeting up need to be thought about and try not to let them go on too long to start with. Playdates at your home may prove to be a little trickier than going to a friend's house for a playdate. The reason can be that your child has not had to share or play alongside different people (other than those in your household) for the last year, so suddenly they are having to get used to sharing their toys and having someone in their space which can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of frustration and shyness. We can have a tendency for letting playdates go on for a long time. This is because we as adults want to have that time together to catch up as well, but sometimes this can backfire as it becomes too long for the children and you can see behaviours and mood change. You don’t want the experience to be a negative one for anyone, so just take it slowly to start with and build up the time as you can see your child adjusting.
You may need to be more present with your child as they are possibly going to be looking to you for reassurance. You may also need to step in if there are frustrations around sharing, playing together etc. This is a significant learning process for your child and it will take time and patience, they will need your help in order work out how to manage the situations that they are in.
Consider having a visual plan for the day or week ahead so that your child can predict what is going to be happening that day. We can often plan things and forget to explain to our children what is happening and springing plans on them can trigger high emotions. If you don’t want to do a visual plan, it can just be as simple as making sure that you explain what is going to be happening and then providing a running commentary as you go through the day to help them feel safe and secure in knowing what to expect.
They might want to stay close, and that is ok! We might expect our little ones to want to be off playing, exploring and having fun and while we want to encourage our little ones to go off we don’t want to force this. If they just want to stay close to you, even sit on your lap and just watch, let them do this and then slowly, as they build up confidence, you may see them start to go off, come back just to check in and then go off again.
For our older children…
Our older children (approx. age 8 and older)have a greater awareness of what we have been through and why. They may have feelings of needing to be cautious or could be worried and anxious about mixing with people again. They could be aware that we have been waiting for a vaccine, but because they have not been vaccinated, they might feel unsafe.
If they are experiencing feelings like this, it can mean that even simple activities can be difficult. In this age group we need to have an appreciation that friendships and peer groups are incredibly important and influential on how our children feel. Over the last 12 months, with the stop/start of school, friendships may have changed, so there will be a need for our children to reconnect with their peers, which can be daunting and again overwhelming.
Home has become the place where our daily routine has a lot of predictability and where, in the majority of cases, we have felt safe, and so readjusting to things like school, clubs etc can mean that our children are now in environments which can be unpredictable. Some children have really enjoyed being at home and not having to go to school, they may even have preferred it (as some of us have done with working from home) and so to go back into group situations can be worrying or even something that they have no interest in doing. There can also be concerns from children about their schooling and whether they have ‘fallen behind’ (which they may have seen and heard in the media), and this too can be the cause of some anxiety and worry.
Things which might help…
Talking about things as they are coming up or, if you are noticing a change in your child, encouraging them to talk about how they are feeling. It is important to not dismiss their concerns (even if you don’t feel that there is anything to worry about) - they have the concern and so they need to have the support. It is about us listening and coming to solutions with them, not for them!
Using emotional language with them. It is important that they know their feelings and emotions are valid. We do have a webinar specifically about Tweens and Teens here where we talk about how to communicate with children at this age.
Taking off the pressure. Your child needs to go to school, but do they need to be doing groups as well? It might be that they need to adjust to the things that they have to do (e.g. school) for now and then resume with clubs etc once they feel happier to do so. Allow for them to have the time at home where they can just relax and feel comfortable, this will then help them to gradually feel happier to go back out of the house to school and groups as it is not all happening at once.
They might not be ready for big groups. It might be that they can manage school but they don’t want to be in big groups for other things and they may need time to re-adjust to the social norms that they have with their friends. Encouraging playdates or meet ups with one or two friends at the park or even in the garden might be enough at this stage. Again as we discussed for the younger children it might need to be short periods of time to start with and then to build up.
Speak to your child’s teacher to discuss any of the concerns that you or/and your child might have. The teacher will be hearing similar things from other parents and children and there might be something that the school is putting in place or can look to offer if there is a need. Keeping the lines of communication open can really help.
Regardless of the age of your child/ren, this is a new experience for us all and, like us, our children are working it out as they go!
What about you?
Be kind to yourself as this is going to have an impact on you as well - we are going to be tempted to want to spend time meeting up with people, but your child might not be able to spend the length of time that you would like them to, so go with the thought that you might have perhaps 30 minutes and then keep reviewing. They might be able to do longer, but keep your expectations realistic so that you don’t end up feeling frustrated, annoyed or disappointed when the event/meet up might have to finish early.
You are going to have a range of emotions and for some parents this will be the first time that they are mixing with other parents and children. We need to work out how this feels and expect that we may have those feelings of comparing what your child is doing/not doing, how ‘well’ other parents are doing, feeling judgement on your child’s behaviour if they do something which you don’t feel is right etc.
You also need to remember that all those feelings that you might be having about being nervous to be with other people and that fear of what they might say/do/think can be similar for our children so try to empathise with them. Some days are going to be a huge success and other days might be tricky and you have to abort the plans that you had. That is ok!
One final thing is that it might be the first time that your little one has had to share you and your attention. When we start mixing with other adults our focus might be on having a conversation with them and this can be quite difficult for our babies and children to understand when they are so used to your undivided attention. They might experience feelings of jealousy about this so keep in mind that the way you interact with others etc might trigger some feelings in your child. This is completely normal but if you see a change in behaviour this might well be the reason. Offer reassurance to your little one with cuddles and 1:1 time during the day but also give them clear explanations about what is happening and that you are talking with your friend etc.
Don’t forget, this won’t last forever! Your little one or older child will get the hang of it (as will we), they might just need a little time and patience.
While you are here, you might be interested in checking out our webinars which cover lots of different topics including welcoming and caring for newborns, breast-feeding, behaviour, sleep, toilet training and more! For more information - click here
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.