My friends are expecting twins - what can I do to help?
By Victoria Morrell, Twins Trust
It can be exciting hearing that friends are expecting twins. Cute images may pop into your mind and you can’t help but think of matching outfits and double everything! It’s a life changing experience and your friends will need you more than ever before.
Whilst the news is exciting, chances are your friends will be a whirlwind of emotions. Twin pregnancies can be filled with joy, love, complications, extra scans and financial worries. No-one plans to have twins, so it may take some time for them to fully get their heads round what they’ve just been told.
They may be worried that they won’t make it to full term, scared about their babies being on a neonatal ward, thinking about the logistics of feeding two babies, worrying about finances - will they need to move house and get a new car - and generally thinking about how they’ll cope day to day with two babies. There are lots of things to process.
How can you help?
It may be hard for you to know what to say or the best way to offer support unless you’ve been in this situation yourself. You can guarantee that if they’ve told other people, they’ve heard the phrases; ‘double trouble’ ‘you’re never going to sleep again’ ‘rather you than me’ ‘you’re going to get so big’!
Right now, they need to be surrounded by positivity and be reminded that they can do this.
Things you can say and do
Listen. They’ll be so many people saying so much to them right now that the noise can become deafening. Sit, listen and let them know that you’re there. Knowing they have you there for them will mean everything.
Offer help. It may be hard to know what to suggest, so ask what they need. If they have other children, it could be nice to take them out so mum can rest. Do they need help with the shopping or cleaning? Whatever it is, be a helping pair of hands. Growing two babies is seriously exhausting but asking for help is hard too. Let them know you are happy to help.
Get educated on all things twins. If you know someone who already has twins, talk to them and get the lowdown of what it’s like to have two babies at the same time. If you don’t know anyone, buy a book or have a look on the Twins Trust website to try and understand some of the things they are thinking about and the challenges they’re facing.
Find a local twin group. There are lots around, you can search the Twins Trust website for a local one. It would be great for your friends to go along when pregnant and meet other parents with multiples who just get it. If they are nervous to go for the first time alone, offer to go with them.
Pay mum a compliment. Her body will be stretching and growing and it’s not always going to be comfortable. She may be feeling emotional about the changes and a few nice words can really help to make her feel good.
When the babies have arrived
Offer to cook. Time is non-existent when you have two new-borns. Making healthy meals can be difficult so having a few in the freezer is a big help. Batch cook or order them something and take it with you when you pop round.
Don’t say that mum can’t breastfeed or has to breastfeed. Many women breastfeed twins successfully. Twins Trust offer a breastfeeding peer support service. If she is struggling, remind her that help is available from others who have been there and can show her tips to get through.
Whether you have children or not yourself, don’t say having two children close together in age is similar. It’s just not! One situation isn’t easier than the other, they’re just different.
If you want to buy them a gift, ask them what they actually need. Chances are they have 101 matching new-born outfits. They might be struggling to find tiny baby clothing or micro nappies and getting to a shop can be hard in the early days. Wipes and nappies are always a great present if you know which ones to buy.
Listen! Their emotions may be a bit all over the place and having two new-born babies is full on. The birth might not have been as planned and they may be dealing with lots of things they hadn’t thought about. They will be exhausted and having someone to just listen is so important.
Tell them that they’re doing a good job! They have just had twins and are looking after two babies whilst also recovering from the birth. Let them know they are doing amazingly well.
Things to think about as they get older
Offer to babysit. Finding someone you trust to look after two babies is often hard. Help can be in short supply and they may be desperate for a few hours ‘off’.
When it comes to birthdays buy two cards and presents, not one.
Treat them as individuals! They might not want to be called the twins, twinnies, the twinkles. Take your friends’ lead. Always remember even though they were born together they are two separate people with their own likes and dislikes.
Finally, let them know you’re there - twin parenthood can sometimes be isolating - and remind them that they are doing a great job!
While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a Podcast ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’, you can listen here.