Why doesn’t my toddler like their new sibling?
WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT
Introducing a new baby to a family is something that we all hope will be like we see on TV, arriving home to the other children who are so excited, waiting to welcome their new brother or sister into the family. However, for some families this picture of family bliss is not always what happens.
In my time working with families, I have experienced children asking when the baby is going back to the hospital, suggesting that the baby is sent back where it came from and I’ve even seen one little one pulling the bin over to his mummy and telling her to put the baby in it because he didn’t like him!
These reactions can be very upsetting, but our children have a lot to process during this time of change, they are just trying to use the experiences and knowledge they have to make sense of everything. In their mind, sending the baby back to the hospital is absolutely possible and to them often sounds like a good idea!
It is normal?
We need to look at the age of the child and where they are developmentally. Our children are egocentric - they very much view the world from their own perspective and with their acquired knowledge of the world (remember this might be only 2 years!).
So, if they have seen Mummy’s tummy growing, have they really fully understood the concept of what is actually inside the tummy? Yes, we explain to them that there is a baby in Mummy’s tummy, but what does that actually mean for the child? Do they sit there thinking, yes there is a baby in Mummy’s tummy which means when it comes out it is going to need to have cuddles, be fed and cared for and will be around all the time. No, they often don’t because they aren’t yet able to understand this idea and, if you really think about it, it is quite a huge thing for all of us to comprehend let alone a child.
We all cope with change differently and having a new sibling is a significant change to your child’s world.
Let’s think about it from their perspective - having to share their most loved people in the world…without their prior consent!
Imagine what it would be like to be living with your partner with all those emotions that come from loving someone so much and then, suddenly, you have someone else move into your home who your partner seems to really like (love in fact) and then this person is sitting on your sofa, eating, sleeping and generally always being around. Then when people ring up and come around to the house etc they all seem to really like this person too, they are excited to see them and spend time with them! What feelings and emotions might you have if this was to happen? Now I know that this scenario is pretty unlikely, but I hope that it gives you an insight into what your toddler might be experiencing when you bring this new little person into their world, that’s a lot of adjusting!
The range of emotions that our little ones are feeling can be anything from jealously, frustration, confusion and anger to overwhelming love and affection. Emotions are hard to control, even more so when you are little, with limited understanding of how to control them or know why they are feeling the way that they do. I know some adults who still struggle to understand and control their jealousy in some situations!
Introducing new baby
The changes in behaviours that you could experience with your toddler might be things like biting, hitting, tantrums, doing things to get your attention, ignoring the baby, not wanting to share anything with the baby (including you!), As I always say, behaviours are our way of expressing our emotions and very often we are not in control of these behaviours because they are so overwhelming. And, if your child is overwhelmed by emotion they need your help to guide them through this.
Here are 9 tips to help:
Allow for time in the day when they get 1:1 time with you. This needs to be on their terms so they can play what they want to play and they get you with no distractions. This might only need to be 10-15 mins, but it can make all the difference.
Try to follow their routine as much as possible. We can find the day just disappears when you have a toddler and a new baby, but routine (keeping to mealtimes and sleep times) does make a big difference to children. It helps to regulate their body clock and help with predictability of their day. If you are finding that the hours just whizz by, try to set alarms for key times of the day such as mealtimes, bath/bedtimes and this will help you to keep on track.
Stick to the boundaries that you previously had in place. Often when we have a new baby in the family we can be a little more relaxed, let some things go which we might not have done before. For a child, consistency of their boundaries helps them to feel safe and secure. When boundaries change this can make them feel unsure of what is happening, and they then feel insecure. If a child is feeling this way this is often when we see a change in their behaviour - they want to test those boundaries to know that everything is ok and safe.
Don’t force your child to love their new sibling. As much as you might want them to say that they love their new baby or want to give them cuddles this can’t, and shouldn’t, be forced! It is something that will come with time, but we all know when someone keeps asking us to do something that we don’t feel ready to do, we become more stubborn and resistant to the idea and this is exactly the same for our children. They might not feel that love for their new baby brother or sister straight away and that is ok!
Don’t keep getting them to do things for you (unless they want to). When we have a little one who is able to go and fetch things it can be tempting to keep asking them, but again we have to look at it from their perspective, they will get annoyed and fed up if they have to keeping doing this “because of the baby”.
Try to avoid saying that “I can’t because of the baby”, and explain things like, for example, you just need 5 minutes and then you will be ready to play with them or saying “I just have to do 2 jobs before I am ready to play” so that it reduces saying “because of the baby”.
Explain to your child what a baby needs. It can be confusing as to why the baby is allowed to sleep in your room with you, but your toddler needs to go into their own room to sleep. We need to give explanations in order to offer reassurance, that it isn’t because you prefer the baby, but it is because they are little, they wake at night-time to feed because they have a little tummy etc. If you can see your little one watching you doing things for the baby, ask them if they understand why you have to do things such as change their nappy, feed them etc. This will all be a learning opportunity for your little one so giving explanation helps to normalise things.
Don’t be afraid to use emotional language such as “I know that you are a bit frustrated that I can’t play with you right now, it doesn’t seem fair that I have to do this with baby but I will be with you in 10 minutes”, “I know that you are feeling sad because you want to play that game and I am busy feeding, but why don’t you get it ready and as soon as I am done I will be there”. Using emotional language and labelling the emotions that they are feeling will help them to understand that it is normal to feel like this. You will find that they start to use the language as well so that they can explain how they are feeling.
Try to allow for time for your toddler to have the cuddles, and physical contact with you. They will be seeing you have all these cuddles with the baby, and they may crave this too. Having times of the day where you can have that time to be close such as bathtimes, bedtime or getting them dressed etc can all help with maintaining that connection.
Does it seem to be an issue now your baby is older?
For some families welcoming home their newborn with a toddler goes well and everyone feels that they are adjusting to family life together. Then, months down the line, there seems to be more resistance towards the younger sibling. Again, this can be very normal as we always have to remember that children are developing their understanding. Every experience they have builds on others and they start to make connections, so 6 months on they can be at a very different development stage to where they were when the baby was first born.
There are some key things to consider if your child is struggling now that the baby is older:
Sharing is not something that develops fully until around 3 and half to 4 years old (see our sharing blog here) so once the baby starts moving around and can get to their things, it can be hugely concerning for the older child as they suddenly have to learn about sharing, which is huge for them in itself, but they are also having to learn to share you as well in a very different way. The baby is becoming a little person in their own right and getting a different type of attention to when they were a newborn. We can often find that we are putting both children up to the table for a mealtime for example and you are helping to feed the baby, or they start to bath together so the older child has to share in a very different way to before.
Separation Anxiety can come in phases for our children (again please see our blog on this here) so it can be that the toddler is going through this phase and doesn’t want to be separated from you. They can see that the baby is with you most of the time too so can feel the need to have the same experience.
Realisation of change – sometimes it can take time to realise that this change is permanent and that the baby is not going anywhere. If this is the case, then you need to try to approach it in the ways that I have mentioned above (in my 9 tips) as this will help your little one to navigate this time of realisation.
All we ever want is for our children to get on and to be the best of friends and there will be days and times when this is absolutely the case, but there will also be times when they don’t really like each other – this is all completely normal! We need to see this time of change and adapting to a new family set up as something which will take time and understanding. We also need to accept that it might not happen straight away, and this will in turn help to reduce the pressure for things to be completely harmonious all the time!
If you are interested in finding out more about about supporting your little one’s behaviour, have a look at our video guide to Behaviour and Emotions. For more information - click here
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.