Why does my child tell lies?
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
At some stage we will all experience a child telling a lie (big or small) - it is a natural and normal part of development. However, this doesn’t mean that it is right, or something that we ignore, but it is something that we need to appreciate is quite a complicated concept for our children to understand. I will go into this a bit more below, but if you think about lying and what goes around this you will see what I mean when I say it is complicated!
We have different terminology around lying, such as ‘fibbing’, ‘white lies’, ‘telling tales’ etc. I am sure if I asked you to describe what each of these meant you would place a slightly different level of severity on each one. However, it is quietly accepted as part of our social behaviour that we can lie (tell a fib or a white lie) in order to make someone or a situation better. We have all talked about ‘telling a little white lie’ in relation to things like having made plans, but then feeling like we don’t want to go and telling a white lie to get out of it (usually to protect the feelings of another person), so it is no surprise that our children will do similar.
The challenge for our children can be understanding when telling a ‘white lie’ is ok and when telling a ‘big lie’ is not. Our children see us telling these ‘white lies’ for example, but we then tell them not to tell lies so it is confusing for them.
Children can lie for a number of reasons:
It can be to take control of a situation so that it works in their favour. This can often be when they are trying to avoid getting into trouble or to cover up something that they have done.
To help with overwhelming emotions such as embarrassment or anxiety. It can be that children want to create a story (lie) which makes them feel better and removes them from the reality of the situation that they might be experiencing.
Younger children often tell lies which they hope to be true like saying they have done something which they haven’t e.g. “I went to a shop bought all the toys!”
Older children, tweens and teens, can sometimes lie in order to protect their privacy.
Some children actually don’t have control over lying, particularly those children who struggle with self-control.
Lying can often gain more attention from adults and, depending on age, peers, which for some children leads to them telling more lies in order to keep gaining that attention.
As mentioned above, we (as adults) can sometimes tell lies for social reasons. It might be to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or because it feels like the right thing to do in the situation. Children can then feel it is OK to do the same thing without proper understanding.
For younger children it can often be to test out the cause and effect, so for example if your child says “I ate all my fruit” but you know they fed it to the dog, what happens? What is your reaction? How we respond or react can often lead our children to learn about what is right or wrong, so it is important that we are very clear on what we do and what we role model as they are watching and coping.
To make themselves seem better, potentially sounding more impressive in front of others. It can help to inflate their self-esteem or help them to be part of a group/friendship etc.
Children might use lying in order to get something that they want. This can be a very common reason and is often one of the first times you notice that your child is using a lie.
There can also be stages where children’s imaginations really take off and they are trying to work out the difference between reality and fiction so can tell ‘stories’ which are elaborate and clearly not true. This can sometimes mean that when you explain that what they are saying is not true they can become very defensive and at times confused, because they aren’t able to understand why certain things can’t be true.
Is lying really a normal part of development?
The answer to this is yes! From around the age of 3 years old can be when you first see your child tell a lie. It is often when they gain the realisation that you are not all seeing or all knowing, so they can say or do things without you always knowing the truth. This can be intriguing for them and they often need to test out how far they can go, what happens if they do say these things and also what it feels like.
From around the age of 4-6 years children tend to start telling more lies. They may even try to advance their skills and work on matching their body language to what they are saying. However, often if you ask questions about what they are saying or get them to explain, it leads to them being honest and telling the truth.
As children get older they tend to get better at being able to tell a lie and don’t always get caught out. This is because they have a greater understanding of how people think, how actions can have implications as well as a greater vocabulary.
The important thing to keep in mind is that lying is a normal part of development and how we are as social beings. (I would challenge you to find someone who can say that they have never told a lie..!)
What can you do to help your child through this lying stage?
Look at what might be triggering the lying if it is has just started. Is it your child’s developmental stage (as explained above), is it to cover something up or is it due to emotions that your child is experiencing at the time? If you are able to find the trigger this might help to find the reason why your child feels the need to tell lies.
It is important to always make it clear to your child that no matter what they do they can tell you the truth and you will help them with the situation. It is important that your child knows that you want them to feel comfortable in telling you the truth, even if they have done something that they shouldn’t, rather than feeling that they need to lie.
Truth check where you can so this might be “Daddy said I can have sweets with my lunch” so you might reply with, “Oh ok, I will have to check with Daddy on that. I am just going to give you a few minutes to think and see if you want to change your mind about Daddy saying that.”
Don’t try to catch your child out or label them a liar. Often when we feel that our child is being deceitful it can be a trigger for us and it can feel like they are making a fool out of us, which we typically don’t respond to well (this can be our trigger!). Try to keep in mind that they are going through a developmental stage, making sense feelings and emotions that they are experiencing at the time or feeling that they are not able to tell the truth for whatever reason. It is then your job to help them work through this and to understand what the implications are to lying.
Encourage them to tell the truth and be really clear on the importance of honesty. This can be from reading books (see below) about telling the truth but also from your role modelling and explaining about the concept of lying – we can never assume that children just understand!
Praise your children for telling the truth. As with all things, if we are positive and reinforce when our children demonstrate behaviours which are appropriate, this helps a child to make sense of what is right and wrong.
As with all developmental stages they can take some children more time to understand the concepts behind what they are experiencing and learning. It is important to develop an empathy with our children when it comes to lying as it can be a tricky thing to understand and master, but with time, explanation and role modelling it can happen.
Books about lying:
To learn more about Behaviour and Emotions and get strategies to help, have a look at our Behaviour and Emotions webinar here. We also have lots more blogs on different aspects of behaviour here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ which has lots of episodes about behaviour - you can listen here.
This blog contains affiliate links.